The Tension is Real: Money Stress in Marriage

Did you know financial challenges rank in the top five stressors between husbands and wives? 42% of Americans experience depression and anxiety related to financial strain. The constant pressure leaves individuals overwhelmed and unsure of how to make progress. The strain finances take on marriage is known to cause resentment, denial, anger, frustration, shame, fear, and more. 

A poll measuring stress in America revealed that money stress is at the highest recorded level since 2015. It’s no wonder finances divide couples. However, it doesn’t have to dominate or divide us if we identify some root causes of stress. 

Here are four ways that money can cause tension in the marriage relationship and tools to combat those stressors.

1. Different Money Styles

How we view and interact with money shapes our money style. So, how do you identify what your money styles are? 

Saver

You might be a saver if you enjoy balancing the checkbook at the end of the month just to see how much money you saved. You may be a saver if you have an app for monitoring your finances so that you can watch how much money you’re saving. 

Spender

You might be a spender if you have never met a credit card you don’t like. Or if your inner voice says, “I deserve this” or “I will not deny myself anymore.”

Nerd

You might be a nerd if you sneak popcorn and candy in your bag to the movies. Or if you get an alert on your phone when expenses are charged to one of your accounts. 

Free Spirit

You might be a free spirit if you think knowing the interest rate on your credit card is overrated. You might be a free spirit if you buy $4 lattes for yourself and all your coworkers. 

Usually, you won’t have the same spending style as your spouse. Many times our money styles are imprinted on us from experiences and environments we grew up with. If there is tension in your marriage around finances, take some time to discuss your money styles and ways to find common ground. 

2. Excessive Debt

The second way money can cause tension in the marriage relationship is through excessive debt. Whether good debt or bad debt, it is so much more than just money. It all adds up to tension. Debt comes about from self-made choices or sometimes external factors out of our control. 

We’ve had our fair share of unforeseen expenses. More often, undisciplined accumulated spending has been our issue. It’s caused tension in our relationship in the past. If you’re currently in that situation with excessive debt, we found a couple of tools that helped us. These are things we’ve used (and currently use) to help us eliminate tension in this area.

Snowball Plan

One of the things that caused great momentum for us is the snowball plan. With the snowball plan, we paid off our smallest debt as quickly as possible. Once that debt was paid, we took the money we were putting toward that payment and rolled it onto the next-smallest debt. And the process continued until we hit our goal.

Live on a Budget

Another tool we use to avoid debt is to live on a budget. We’ve been using a budgeting app for years called YNAB (You Need A Budget). The thing we love about it is that you assign every dollar of income a job. That way, you can track your spending along the way and not go over budget in any category. It’s helpful because both of us can see the expenditures in real time. It is also a weekly argument crusher because we predetermine and set the budget that we’ve agreed on. 

3. Financial Detours

Aside from different money styles and debt, the third way money can cause tension in a marriage is due to financial detours. There will be times your financial plan needs to be adjusted by force—or by choice. This could be due to the loss of a job, or maybe there’s a business failure. It could be due to a life transition like having the baby, or it could also happen in the case of an elderly parent needing to be taken care of. Regardless of the reason, these detours can cause tension in a relationship. 

Jim Rohn says, “An ounce of discipline weighs far less than a ton of regret.”  So, if we can create some discipline by spending less, saving more, and preparing for detours, the discipline will add up. Talk with your employer to see if they have a matching fund for retirement, and prepare ahead of time for life transitions that will require a different income. 

4. Distrust

The fourth way money can cause tension in a marriage is through distrust. And by this, we mean distrust of God. I know this may be new to some people. But we have found it true in our lives and countless others that when we put God first in our finances, He will bless us with what we need when we need it.

We determined to put God in first place in every area of our lives, including money, from the onset of our marriage. We have always been faithful in the biblical practice of tithing a tenth of our income to the church. We believe God can do more with our 90% than what we could do with 100% in our own strength. We look forward to stretching ourselves and giving when the opportunity arises. There’s a supernatural work that happens in our hearts, our spiritual intimacy, and our financial freedom when we give back to God a portion of what He’s already given to us. There’s a peace that comes from obedience that feels better than anything that money can buy.

Malachai 3:10 says, “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse [the Church] that there may be food in my house, test me in this says the Lord Almighty and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be enough room to store it.” 

This is the only place in the Bible where God says, “Test me.” When we put God first, it’s an opportunity to get our finances in order. He’s going to take care of the stress that sometimes comes with our money styles. He’s going to help us overcome some of the challenges of debt. He’s going to be there when detours happen in our finances to help lift the burden. So, if you call yourself a Christian, we want to challenge you to test God, put Him in first place in your finances, and watch what He’ll do in your life.