The Gap Between Here and There

“Ideals are like a horizon in the desert. No matter how many steps you take forward, the horizon continues to move out of reach.” —Dr. Benjamin Hardy

We all have ideal realities in our life that we strive to meet. The problem is, sometimes when we arrive at those ideals, the target (or ideal reality) moves. When it comes to our marriage, we need to mind the gap between our ideal and present reality.

In psychology, the term for this moving horizon is called “hedonic adaptation.” It explains that regardless of the peak you reach—whether you marry the person of your dreams, drive your dream car, or secure the job of a lifetime—the thrill quickly subsides, and you go back to feeling ‘blah’ again. You walk toward the horizon, but it moves as you walk toward it. 

Several years ago, Lisa had an ideal pant size. After three babies and a lot of hard work, she finally accomplished it, and achieved the pant size. She was not there for more than a second before she wanted to reduce the number and move it to a smaller size. She no longer felt accomplished or satisfied with the huge change she made. The horizon moved as she approached the goal. And it left her in a state of disappointment and frustration.

“When happiness is always on the horizon, it diminishes our present.” 

It’s human nature to tie happiness to something in the future. The problem is, when happiness is always on the horizon, it diminishes our present. In the book, The Gap and the Gain, the authors explain that you’re “in the gap” if you’re here (reality) but wish you were there (ideal future). Being in the gap can lead to disappointment, sadness, depression, anxiety, and stress in your marriage relationship. The gain, on the other hand, is the distance between where you are from where you started. The big idea is to change the direction of the measurement of progress. Dan Sullivan says it this way, “The way to measure your progress is backward against where you started, not against your ideal.” So, look at the progress of where you are from where you started, instead of where you are from the ideal of where you want to be.

The gap can be seen in many areas of our marriage relationship, like finances, communication, physical fitness, and sex. When you’re in the gap with your spouse, you measure them against where you wish they were as a person. And all you see is where they’re not measuring up. You measure their behavior against your ideal. When you’re looking through the lens of the gap, you only see what drives you nuts. It’s hard to see them for who they truly are and celebrate their growth and progress. It’s hard to be content when you’re only focused on what’s missing. 

In Philippians 4:11-13 the Apostle Paul says, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Earlier in Philippians 3:14, Paul says, “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

The tension between contentment and dissatisfaction can coexist. Paul chose to be content, while at the same time striving toward the goal, or ideal reality. When we understand this idea of the gap and the gain, we can learn to be content with our current situation, or state of our marriage—and at the same time, be dissatisfied with staying there. Measuring backward can fuel us toward the goal of where we want to be.

Small, smart choices consistently over time, lead to success. The small mundane choices can shape your marriage into a masterpiece. 

Three Questions to Consider:

1. What is the goal? 

Begin with the end in mind. What is the ideal you’re shooting for? This is your agreed-upon goal. For us, we wanted to conquer financial debt. If we looked at the gap between where we were and where we wanted to be, it seemed overwhelming. But we began with the end in mind, with an agreed upon goal. We wanted to be out of debt, with the exception of our mortgage, and one car payment. It took time to agree on what the ideal situation or the ideal horizon was, but being unified in the goal is critical.

2. What is the plan? 

Create a plan of action steps to get to the horizon— your ideal. For our financial goal, we listed all our debts, and planned out how long it would take to reduce one debt, and then used Dave Ramsey’s snowball method to keep reducing it. We tracked it all on a chalkboard in our hallway so we could keep the plan in the forefront of our minds.

3. What are the wins? 

What are some small victories you can mark out in your plan that you can stop and celebrate along the way? In our financial plans, we established small, incremental goals that were listed on our chalkboard to be able to celebrate the wins along the way. This allowed us to get to the exact ideal that we determined and agreed upon. It gave us some small wins to celebrate along the way. 

Gratitude leads to contentment. When we’re grateful for the things we have and grateful for the wins in life; it can help us be content. One of the tools we’ve used is called a three-wins journal. It creates space in the mornings to think back to the day before and write down the wins. Or if you do it in the evening, write down three wins that happened in your life that day. If you’re working on the goal, what are three small wins that are moving you along in progress? That practice of gratitude will lead to contentment. 

If you are stuck in the gap in your marriage today, remember to measure backwards. Celebrate the progress of your marriage and your spouse. Then, set a goal together, create a plan, and celebrate the wins along the way. If you follow this process, you’ll be on your way to cultivating more contentment in the journey.