Practising the Art of Spousing

What does it mean to practise the art of spousing? Spousing is not a word you hear often. We didn’t invent the word—it’s actually in the dictionary. Spousing is the action of carrying out the expected functions of a spouse. And what we’ve learned after being married for 29 years and working with countless married couples is that marriage is more of an art than a science. 

Every art form has a set of practices or techniques, but the execution or results of the techniques are expressed differently by the individual artists. For example, our daughter Alexx is an amazing photographer. She knows all the techniques to take stunning photos. Our friend, Stephanie, is also an amazing photographer. She knows all the same techniques, but when you look at Alex’s photos and Stephanie’s, you see two different perspectives and approaches to their art—both beautiful, but both different. And it’s the same with marriage. There are universal principles or techniques that will produce a healthy marriage, but it’s the execution of those principles by the artists (the husband and wife) that make the marriage a unique piece of art. 

When a couple prepares for marriage, they each bring their backstory with them. The two stories become a foundation for writing a new chapter in their new story together. And in a very similar way, we believe each individual brings a unique palette of personality, past experiences, and environments into the marriage relationship. Marriage provides the opportunity to combine two palettes into an expansive collection of colors that can create a beautiful picture and expression of health and vitality.

The blending of our personalities and past into our marriage didn’t just happen. There was a lot of work involved, from intentionality in our language to time spent learning one another. But like any art form, you don’t just pick up a paintbrush and paint a masterpiece the first day. It takes practice.

There are two ways to spell the word ‘practice’ in British English, and both have separate meanings. The first way to spell it is P-R-A-C-T-I-S-E, which is a verb. It means to do something repeatedly in order to master it or to pursue as an occupation or art. Like a musician who practises their instrument to master their craft. The second way to spell it is P-R-A-C-T-I-C-E (with a c) which is a noun meaning a habit or custom. We Americans decided to use one word for practice as both a verb and a noun. Why does it matter? Because there are a lot of couples who have a marriage practice (the noun) but are not practising (the action).

A lot of couples feel stuck. They feel like they’re in a dead-end marriage. They have the institution of marriage, but they don’t have the joy of making their marriage better day after day. So, how do we practise the art of spousing? Let’s take a look at three ways. 

1. Practise Honor

Honoring one another is huge for marriages. By honor, what we mean is holding each other in the highest esteem or value. So many marriages are torn down because one or both spouses don’t hold each other in high esteem. Romans 12:10 says, “Outdo one another in showing honor.” Make it a competition to see who can outdo the other person in showing honor.

One practical way we’ve implemented this in our own marriage is that we always acknowledge one another when one of us walks into a room. It’s a simple concept, but making sure you’re spouse knows they are the most important person in the room is one way to demonstrate honor and value. Also, we never speek poorly about one another to anyone. Instead, we try to spread “positive gossip” about each other. We don’t expose one another’s weaknesses to other people. When we do open up to a trustworthy person about marriage struggles, we never have to worry that it’s being done in a dishonoring way. 

2. Practise Presence 

We all have different ways of practising presence with our spouse. We love starting our day with our own personal quiet times, then coming together to be fully present with one another—without our phones. We also have date nights and  take trips with just the two of us. But that daily practise of connecting is vital before we start the busyness of our days. 

It’s easy to come home after a busy day and veg out in front of the TV. But you can be in the same room but not be present with each other. So, what can you implement in your day or week to practise presence with your spouse? Maybe it’s swapping your TV time for a board game occasionally or setting time aside for a coffee date. 

3. Practise Humor

Henry Ward Beecher once said, “A marriage without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road.”

Without laughter or a sense of humor, life is more difficult. Laughter is a really important part of our marriage. And it should be a regular practice in any marriage. Proverbs 17:22 (AMP) says, “A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing.” 

Look for the funny around you, don’t take yourself too seriously, and learn to laugh at yourself. If you want to grow the humor in your relationship, we recommend a great book by our friend Ted Cunningham, called Fun Loving You.

As Christ followers, we put Jesus in the center of our relationship. And these practices include our commitment to Him in everything we do—we want God to be in the center. So, although these three practices are a great start, our first priority is to put God first. He is the glue that holds it all together. 

Challenge: 

Take a small action this week to implement one of those practices in your relationship. Maybe it’s spreading positive gossip about your spouse to practise honor, turning off the TV and playing a game together to practise presence, or playing a prank to practise humor. We’d love to hear how you practised the art of spousing this week, so share your story with us on Facebook or Instagram. 

We believe in you, and believe that each small step will build health into your marriage.