How to Build a Pro-Marriage Collective

Relationships can either be engines to propel us toward our future, or they can be anchors that hold us in place from moving forward. Building a supportive community around your marriage, or as we like to call it, a “pro-marriage collective,” can become an engine of momentum and growth for your marriage. Surrounding yourself with the right couples can provide accountability, encouragement, and wise counsel for your marriage. 

Here are three things to look for when you’re building your marriage collective. 

1. Pro-Marriage People 

Pro-marriage people are not talking about divorce; their language is propelling them forward. They’re championing you as a couple. Husbands aren’t bashing wives and wives aren’t bashing husbands. People can be conduits or firewalls. People who are pro-marriage are going to be firewalls when there’s a conflict or a challenge. So, when we are having a conflict, and one of us talks to a friend about it, we want them to be a firewall and help stop the conflict and push back to strengthen the marriage. We don’t want to surround ourselves with conduits that allow conflict to fester and grow. 

You need people who are going to honor marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all.” If the people in your closest circle of friends as a married couple are not holding marriage high, they’re probably not the people that need to be in your collective. Why? Because they’re not going to propel you towards strength and vision in your marriage. You’re the average of your five closest friends. If the people that you’re hanging out with are constantly not pro-marriage, it’s not going to help you build a strong, healthy marriage of your own.

2. Shared Common Values

We’re not only looking for pro-marriage people; we’re looking for people for our marriage collective that share common values. We might differ on political, theological, or parenting views, but if we have a common shared value of mutual respect, there’s common ground—we both respect one another. 

Another value that is really important to us is faith. We have friends that are close to us that probably don’t believe everything we believe when it comes to how they practice their faith. However, it is a shared value. Our faith unifies us on the common ground of how we speak to one another. We know the rules of engagement or guiding principles because we have the same book for our guiding principles. There’s a moral compass when we know the truth of God’s word and what it says, and it provides accountability for our friendships. We know those closest to us will hold us accountable to God’s Word in our marriage relationship. If you have friends outside of your faith, they may not be the people to give you input or wise counsel. 

Another value for us is authenticity. We want to be around people who are real, and the people in our collective are going to be people who don’t put on pretense. 

Those are a few values that are important to us, but we encourage you to take time between you and your spouse to identify what shared common values are most important to you in your relationships. 

3. Trustworthy 

One other thing to look for in your marriage collective is for the people closest to you to be trustworthy. George Washington said, “Be courteous to all but intimate with few. And let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity.” 

There’s a danger when you give too much of your life to people who haven’t shown themselves trustworthy. Authenticity without wisdom is reckless. We’re going to be authentic with people that we can trust. If you share too quickly with people you don’t know well enough, you could end up hurt and guarded (and you learn that maybe you should have given the relationship a little more time). Psalm 92:13 says, “Those who were planted in the household Lord will flourish.” A massive benefit of being planted in South Florida at the same church for so many years is that we have deep friendships we trust emphatically. That doesn’t mean we haven’t had challenges with them or that they haven’t had challenges with us. But there’s a trust that we’re going to be in the long haul together. 

Analyze & Adjust 

Look at your friend group. Are there people holding you accountable? Or people that are encouraging you? Can you go to them for wise counsel? Do they model or demonstrate what healthy marriage looks like? Are they trustworthy, pro-marriage, and do they share common values? 

Analyze how much time you are spending with people who aren’t helping your marriage head in the right direction. Take a look at your calendar and see where there is room to pursue friendships with couples who inspire you toward growth. Seek out other like-minded couples in marriage small groups at your local church, or in online groups, such as the Married for a Purpose membership which meets biweekly. 

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this idea of a marriage collective and for you to share those with those in our community. You can email us at hello@artofspousing.com, or you can connect with us on Facebook and Instagram.