Healing the Fractures in Marriage
Four ways to ensure small issues don’t become big issues
“Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day; while failure is simply a few errors in judgment, repeated every day.” –Jim Rohn
Have you ever ignored a small issue only to later discover it became a big issue? I (James) am an avid cyclist, but one time I decided to take a break from cycling and pick up running. A couple of weeks into running, I noticed pain in my right hip. But because I was new, I assumed it was muscle soreness, so I kept running. After a few weeks of persistent pain, I sought treatment. I went to doctors, chiropractors, and sports specialists and was still left in pain and without answers. I chalked it up to muscle soreness again and kept running. Eventually, one doctor performed an MRI and discovered a major stress fracture in my hip—one that required surgically fusing my hip back together with three long rods. A stress fracture that could have healed with intentionality and rest, compounded into a complete break that required specialized medical attention and a long recovery. This is a good illustration of what happens in marriage—a small fracture due to unresolved conflict can grow and cause damage between a husband and wife.
When a husband and wife marry, they become unified. Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” But being one is hard—it goes against our selfish nature. There will always be a pull to move away from unity towards disunity—to move away from connection towards disconnection. But if we aren’t careful, small offenses, conflicts, and misunderstandings can lead to bigger issues like distrust and disconnection. According to relationship and marriage expert, Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. Like my hip fracture, we can experience pain, discomfort, or stiffness in our marriage. But the worst thing we can do is limp through marriage, assuming the issues will resolve on their own.
Some symptoms of a marital stress fracture:
- No longer sharing problems with one another.
- Loss of interest or concern.
- Unmoved by a show of emotions.
- Indifferent to solving conflicts mutually.
- Lack of quality time together.
- Lack of interest in sex.
Four ways to ensure a fracture doesn’t become a catastrophic break:
- Acknowledge the pain.
We don’t have to address every single pain point. However, there comes a time when the intensity of the pain increases, and it needs to be acknowledged. Try to be the first to acknowledge when there’s tension. You may say something like, “I’ve noticed you seem withdrawn. You pull away from me when I try to touch you.”
Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand then to be understood.” If you’re on the receiving end of curious questions, try not to get defensive. We have to listen to learn what we may need to do differently. Maybe this is an opportunity to explain why you’re pulling away. Maybe you’re inadvertently contributing to a small fracture and don’t even know it, or you’re in a bad mood and don’t realize you’re pulling away.
- Search for the right help.
When I was going through the situation with my hip, I talked to friends about the pain. I saw a general practice doctor, a chiropractor and even a sports therapist. But it wasn’t until I went to an orthopedic specialist that I got the diagnosis and treatment I needed. If you’re dealing with disconnection in your marriage, you need the right help. If there is significant pain and dysfunction in your relationship, a professional marriage counselor can be helpful to deal with the disconnection in your relationship. There’s a lot of counselors out there, but not all marriage counselors are pro-marriage. Additionally, counseling isn’t the right step for everyone. Some couples may need a pastor, a marriage coach, a marriage mentor, or a Marriage Reboot.
- Do the work.
By having surgery on my hip, I had to do the work by walking on crutches for several weeks after the surgery. And then I had to work to make my hips strong and flexible. A healthy marriage requires work. When there is disconnection or dysfunction in the relationship, it will take extra work to move toward health. It will take work to get the right help, go to the coaching or counseling sessions, and do the heavy lifting to make the weak areas strong in the relationship. It will take more than words, it will take action. Benjamin Franklin said, “Well done is greater than well said.”
- Give grace and space to heal.
Marriage is a journey. One of the greatest aspects of marriage is the opportunity to grow together. And all of these little hairline fractures are just that—opportunities to grow and tighten our bond. Extending grace is a building block of trust and invites new levels of vulnerability. Repaired fractures strengthen our marriage and allow us to process other fractures quicker. So be quick to give grace and quick to give space. We need to give space for our spouse to heal and not expect them to get over something in a second.
Discussion Questions:
- Is there anything in your marriage with the potential to create disconnection or a break in your relationship?
- What action can each of you do to address the concern or issue?
- Is there an opportunity for you to invite help into the situation? And if so, who would that be?
About James & Lisa
James and Lisa Duvall share truths and lessons learned from their 29 years of marriage and over a decade of teaching, coaching, and speaking on marriage.
