The Gap Between the Event and the Response

We took our first trip to London, England, about 15 years ago. It was an amazing experience. We love everything about that city. Over the years, we’ve been blessed to travel back several times. If you’ve ever been to London, you know the quickest way to get around the city is through The Tube or the underground trains. When trains come into the station, the doors open for people to exit and for new passengers to board the train. Over the loudspeaker, you hear the words, “Mind the Gap.” And you see those signs all over the walls. Basically, what it’s saying is that there’s a gap in the opening between the platform and the train. And if you don’t mind the gap, or if you’re not aware of that gap, you’re in danger of tripping or falling.

In marriage, there are also gaps we need to mind. And if we don’t mind these gaps, it can cause tension, frustration, and even harm the relationship. Psychologist and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, says, “Between the stimulus, the event, and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” So an event happens. And what happens before the response determines the result or outcome. 

1. A Simple Equation

It’s a simple equation: E + R = O. Event plus the response equals the outcome. An event can be anything from a thought or feeling, heavy traffic, a rude person, or even the weather—anything outside our control. It’s a great formula to tuck away as a reminder that we have the power to shift a situation or reroute a potential conflict (and possibly avoid adding to an event that is already tense). We need to learn how to respond. The gap between the event and the response is easily filled with a variety of things. Often we think of an outburst like yelling, slamming doors, stopping off, raging, or saying hurtful things. These responses can leave a lasting impression of the worst kind, shining a light on the areas where personal growth is needed—and maybe a lack of maturity. But the inverse is also true; pouting, rolling of eyes, verbal stabs of sarcasm, and quiet withdrawals all allow irritation to continue building and cause a bigger divide between couples. Ultimately these behaviors break down our ability to communicate effectively, unite in purpose, and honor and see the good in each other.

One of our favorite personal development tools is called the Know Yourself, Lead Yourself tool. We all have tendencies; they come as a combination of nature (what’s wired into us) and nurture (the environments and experiences we had growing up). Our tendencies are what determine our actions. And when we act, every action has a consequence. Those consequences will be positive or negative. And those consequences create our reality; they create the reality of the experience of how we live life, but also how people experience us. So when we understand that our tendencies lead to actions, actions have consequences, and those consequences determine the reality of how we live out our lives, and how others experience us, we can begin to act intentionally—in that space between tendencies and actions. And that’s the gap. Because when you’re triggered, you’re going to respond with your natural tendencies. But if you’re aware of your tendencies, then you can act intentionally in your response. Awareness is the key to change.

“Awareness is the key to change.”

Identifying and understanding how you are triggered in different situations will allow you to plan to respond intentionally. 

2. A Simple Pause

The second thing we want to fill the gap with is a simple pause. When a stimulus happens, make a discipline to pause, take a breath, or count to five or ten. Before you say anything, by engaging in the pause, you give yourself the power to choose to either step into or away from the event. The pause gives you the space to see a situation clearly and choose a response, rather than automatically reacting with an ingrained pattern. The well-worn groove that is your natural response may not serve you or others well. So if you practice this pause when you’re feeling triggered and reactive, you can avoid doing or saying something you would later regret.

3. An Intention Statement 

The third thing you’re going to use is what we call an intention statement. An intention statement is a predetermined decision (or action) to a situation. Once you’ve identified your tendencies, you can determine what you will do when you’re triggered. Such as asking for a few minutes to order your thoughts. It’s not being passive-aggressive or pouting. It’s letting the other person know you’re trying to get yourself together so you can respond. It works in marriage, work environments, and with kids.

There are going to be events that happen in your marriage that will trigger one or both of you. When that happens, it’s important to have a plan for what will go in the gap between the stimulus and the response. You have to mind the gap. And remember, the response is going to determine the outcome. So sit down with a notepad and paper and start writing it down. You and your spouse should talk through the things in your relationship that can cause the worst tendencies in each of you to come out. Then, you can make some pre-decisions on how you respond when a negative event happens. And when an event does happen, remember the pause and give yourself a chance to act intentionally, which will lead to a more positive outcome.

As we’ve been intentional to manage the gaps in our marriage, we’ve decreased unnecessary tension and developed skills to shape our thousands of daily interactions to work for us, and not against us. 

For more tips on minding the gaps in your marriage, be watching for the next post “The Gap Between Here and There.”